Monday, June 13, 2011

What No One Told Me About Having Kids

  1. The moment you hold your child you know with all of your being, that you will kill anyone and anything to protect your baby.
  2. You will be periodically covered in spit-up.
  3. There will come a day when every family member is sleeping in the same bed.
  4. You will touch poop with your bare hands.
  5. Children can go without food for days.
  6. Constipation, constipation, constipation.
  7. Their pain physically hurts you more than your own.
  8. A smile will turn your heart to jelly.
  9. Innocuous objects take on horrifying "potential hazard" status.
  10. There is no “off” button for mommyhood.
  11. You pray for your children’s health and safety with every breath you take.
  12. You do not comprehend how other people do not find your child enchanting.
  13. The sight of children in their pajamas never gets old.
  14. You develop a supersonic sense of hearing.
  15. You can identify individual potty requirements via smell.
  16. Tantrums pass.
  17. Neither Dr. Phil nor Supernanny will always approve of your parenting methods.
  18. You will translate for your spouse and other people what your child said, puzzling at the fact that they did not understand it in the first place.
  19. You will kiss your children till they squeal or cry.
  20. Children can and will cause you considerable bodily harm but you will sit patiently as they try to gouge your eyes out, tear off your ears, bite your nose and jaw, stamp your feet and dislocate your fingers.
  21. You will never be able to tell your children how much you love them.
  22. Your children will think you are ridiculous very early in their lives; it is not an adolescent thing.
  23. Your heart will stop when you look into your child’s eyes.
  24. Nothing is more fun than the games we make up with our children.
  25. The only thing more beautiful than a sleeping baby is a baby waking up smiling.

Things you will be thankful for:
1. These tiny personal miracles.
2. Pampers.
3. The fact that children are 100% washable.
4. Unsolicited hugs and kisses.
5. Your parents.
6. Barney.
7. Spacetoon.
8. French fries and chicken nuggets.
9. Naps
10. Daycare.
11. Doors.
12. Time out.
13. Laughter.
14. Help.

At least once a day, you will…
1. Only pretend to listen to your spouse and/or children.
2. Hide from your children in undignified ways.
3. Wonder how on earth you got here.
4. Tell yourself you never signed on for this.
5. Do a double take in front of the mirror.
6. Think about death
7. Experience a moment of pure happiness and love, like no other.
8. Cry for no apparent reason.
9. Doubt yourself.
10. Know with absolute conviction that you have made the right decision, contrary to popular belief, expert opinion, textbooks or Google.
11. Take photographs with your mind.
12. Throw your head back and laugh.
13. Rack your brains to answer a simple question posed by your child (“Why” and “What is that?” are the original pitfalls).
14. Observe your child in complete awe.
15. Think of your parents with newfound love and respect.

We hope we have been of service. Send us some of your own Marriage and Motherhood Facts.

This too was written in June 2010. Also never published, and I will sue your rear end if you try to plagiarize this or any of my work. Thank you:-)


RF_BOOKS said...

Nice ya Tagreed. I am glad you are back on writing. Here is my favs:

17. Neither Dr. Phil nor Supernanny will always approve of your parenting methods.

and this one is funny:
22. Your children will think you are ridiculous very early in their lives; it is not an adolescent thing.

As for the marriage segment. I find it interesting. Maybe in my case I did not have expectations or maybe they were not so Hollywood based. I personally do not think I can give advice on the topic, but IMO open communication is a great thing to have in marriage. Unfortunately, men are more prone to not communicate (at least not verbally) and some women go for a "hinting" approach that is like a foreign language to men so the relation ship get messed up due to both partners speaking different languages.

Hisham said...

Ah! yes, his children are to every man as his own
soul; and whoso sneers at this through inexperience,
though he suffers less anguish, yet tastes the bitter in
his cup of bliss.
~Euripides - Andromache

On the other hand...

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.
Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.
~Philip Larkin - This Be The Verse

mimimb said...

hisham--- i love your poem... so true.